I think career + family = minimal expectations for straight American men. (Some don’t manage both, but the point is that they experiences themselves as not having lived up to expectations, if they’re reflective, or not having been given what they rightfully deserve, if they’re not.)

“Having it all” for straight men, in our current cultural script is more like career, family, various trophy possessions (such as cars), and at least one sexual partner that other straight men envy. That whole list is never explicitly acknowledged, but the script gets followed pretty clearly. One of the appeals of *Mad Men* is how it manages to disown that masculine version of “having at all” as something hopelessly outdated while allowing people to enjoy the male characters’ all-too-up-to-date version of “success.”

That said, I’m still mostly in sync with Slaughter’s point about how it remains particularly difficult for women to succeed at the highest levels due to the clash between the personal and the professional. I know that I’ve only been able to be as (moderately, nowhere NEAR superstar) successful as I am due to the relentless hard work and unswerving support of my underemployed spouse who’s answered the call time and again for keeping our kids on an even keel. Special needs doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Again, we seem to come back to a world where people are all too happy to judge others and loudly weigh in on how they’re doing it wrong. The old saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes to understand them? That ought to get a lot more play now that we’ve eliminated “having it all”, right?

The problem is that it’s a myth: all of us have to make choices, and choices exclude. We may be born with numerous potentials, but they are not all fulfillable, given the limitations of time (not to mention opportunity, talent, money, etc), nor are they all harmonious. (E.g., one cannot be a professional gymnast and professional football player at the same time–the demands of each sport conflict).

I’m not sure why this would be more of an issue for Americans, but it seems to me that my friends from other parts of the world are much more realistic. Perhaps our capitalist/consumer culture encourages the idea of limitlessness in general, and limitless growth in particular?

And Nik: that’s exactly the line I was thinking of, but I thought “slice” was more in line with my plea for modesty about “having.” here. (Fratguy says that line all the time, about your half.)

If the feminist project is successful, women get autonomy: bodily, socially, and politically. All else (a lactation room at work, for example) is an attribute of that state.