Comments on: Sex preferences among expectant parents: are they antifeminist?

By: Tuesday Teasers: Stuff I’ve Been Reading [#7] - The Pursuit of Harpyness

Tuesday Teasers: Stuff I’ve Been Reading [#7] - The Pursuit of Harpyness — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 12:00:29 +0000

[...] | Sex preferences among expectant parents: are they antifeminist? Interesting conversation in the comment [...]

By: MsMcD

MsMcD — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 23:31:57 +0000

So I’m really late to this post, and don’t know if anyone will see it, but I wanted to add my two cents to the conversation.

I’m currently pregnant with my first, due in 3 weeks (!) and do not know the sex of the baby. I decided not to find out because I wanted to get to know my child without imposing too many gender-specific expectations on hir before ze was even born. Most of my friends have been impressed that I went this route- many respond “I could never have done that.” No idea why not.

I am part of a pregnancy board. It’s one of the most democratic experiences of my life. There are women and some men from every walk of life and all over the world. They range from very wealthy to very poor, from age 13(!) to mid-40s. All colors, religious persuasions and general life situations. The only thing we have in common is that we are expecting a child in May 2012. From conversations with them (which has been incredibly eye-opening) I have discovered that many women don’t care about the sex of their baby, but that SOME do. They are often criticized for their preference; other women remind them that they should be grateful to have a healthy child. Other women offer solace and a reminder that they will learn to love that child no matter what. So, I can surmise that sex-preference is a real thing, but not generally acceptable. Most women seemed thrilled about the sex of their baby. However you can find support groups for those women who are unhappy with it. AND there is a large market for those who want to pre-determine the sex of their next baby.

Oh, and gender-reveal parties are a real thing, although not common.

On a side note, I have successfully introduced hir and ze into my university’s Faculty Senate Constitution.

By: comparatrice

comparatrice — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:22:23 +0000

the type who instinctively look for male approval, and will do so even from their infant and toddler sons.

Yeah, my vague theory was some expression of extreme heterosexuality. I kinda wish they offered classes in Straightness Studies, because there is a lot that I just don’t get…

By: Historiann

Historiann — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:15:04 +0000

I wonder if the women that Erin KLG discusses are the type who instinctively look for male approval, and will do so even from their infant and toddler sons.

Creepy. But at least we have confirmation as to where male supremacy comes from, I suppose. It’s all in the training.

By: comparatrice

comparatrice — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:10:22 +0000

People around me seem to be much more like Historiann’s friends in the OP than like the boy-preferrers. When I was pregnant, I told people only that I was irrationally afraid of having a boy, because he would kick me in the shins and tell me girls are stupid and vindicate every bit of self-hating misogyny that I possess; alternately, he would just be Stewie from Family Guy. I hadn’t spent a lot of time around babies, so Stewie seemed plausible. I also had marginally more confidence that I could navigate the gender-role minefield with a girl than with a boy. My family was full of girls, so I had more sense of them as differentiated individuals than I did with boys — masculinity was super-mystified for me. The idea of stating any of this as a rational preference, with pride and composure, on Facebook, is completely alien to me. Are other people more likely to transmute fears and fantasies into “positive preference” than I was? I mean, the main thing we “preferred” was that our kid would not have needs that it would be practically and emotionally difficult for us to meet, all things being equal. Most gender-related needs, other than “profound misogyny/misandry,” seem like things we can probably handle. A really extroverted, hyperactive, insomniac kid who is indifferent to books would be a bigger challenge, but that’s all it would be — a challenge.

Fundamentally, though, I don’t understand what it is that women who prefer to have boys are preferring. That is, I know what they say, but I don’t understand how the fantasy is *experienced*.

By: Historiann

Historiann — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 15:06:29 +0000

But mostly, how creepy is it to make such a big deal out of a fetus’s sex organs?

I agree with you that it shouldn’t matter, but it matters a great deal. Sex identity is intrinsic to our notions of humanity, so of course it’s a big deal. I’m sure many if not most of you who have lived in big cities have been on subways or public spaces in which trans people have been ridiculed. I remember one incident distinctly, in which some young men were trying to humiliate/intimidate a transwoman by asking in loud stage voices, “What is IT? Is IT a man or a woman?” Pronouns make us persons rather than objects, and those young men were clearly objectifying her by calling her an IT.

I think too that for a lot of expectant parents, knowing the sex of the fetus is important for imagining more about the child. Again, yes, children are individuals and most probably won’t live up to their parents’ wild sex-specific fantasies, but still: it’s difficult to individualize a child (for example, by choosing a name) if you don’t know the sex, as most (although not all) names in our culture tend to be sex-specific.

By: Perpetua

Perpetua — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 13:12:16 +0000

@ Ruth and @Indyana – alas no! I have actually seen these “gender reveal!” parties showing up on my facebook thread. There were cupcakes with the reveal inside somehow. I don’t know. They make me throw up in my mouth a little bit. First of, sex not gender, folks! But mostly, how creepy is it to make such a big deal out of a fetus’s sex organs? We found out our babies’ sex, mostly to help us decide a name and because we couldn’t think of any compelling reason to wait but I can’t imagine trying to make people excited about a faux reveal! (Also, dear facebook acquaintances who also made a huge deal out of your big fat heteronormative wedding, you are really not that important.) The whole thing is super disturbing.

By: truffula

truffula — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 02:11:07 +0000

Ha! My kids and I saw that gender reveal story-it was hanging on the wall at the pizza place, along with the other sections of the paper. We moved on to a discussion of assassinations ( JFK was the illustration for some stupid Ross Douthat column). Going anywhere with my kids turns into a test of my history fact knowledge.

By: Indyanna

Indyanna — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 21:55:03 +0000

I hope it’s one of those aptly-named “bogus Times trend stories.” Pretty soon they’ll announce a wacky “Talk to the Reporters Event” in the auditorium at the Times building for $100 a head, with a VIP room premium price to have brunch with a “Real-Reveal” ™ couple. Do people *really* “live-post their ride to the hospital via Instagram?” This almost seems like a parody of the embrace-of-dramaturgy by the social media generation. Can you become “mayor of gender reveal” if you check in from twenty or thirty of these things in a given year? I’m sure this stuff is no weirder than some of the low tech but equally narcissitic customs prevalent during the baby boom years, but it gets a big “ugh” from me.

By: Ruth

Ruth — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 18:01:36 +0000

When my kids were little it was:

“Girls go to Mars, to be super stars;
Boys go to Jupiter, to get more stupider.”

Let’s not think about what they get if they go to Venus.

In fact, CDS, this is going to be a very big baby boom year globally. It’s the Year of the Dragon, which is a very auspicious year to have children for those who pay attention to the Chinese calendar; there have been news stories about the marriage rate being way up in China last year so that they could have a dragon baby. And given what a high percentage of the global population is Chinese . . .

Finally, an article from the NYT this morning, about a new trend, the “gender-reveal party.” http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/08/fashion/at-parties-revealing-a-babys-gender.html?_r=1&ref=style I have not heard of this happening and this may be one of those bogus Times trend stories, but anyway, what they say is that people get the results of their prenatal test in a sealed envelope and give it to a baker, who then bakes a pink or blue cake, and the couple has a big party and when they cut the cake they find out what they’re having. Combine the public reveal with a preference for one gender over the other and this could get really toxic, really quickly.