Here at the ranch, we have a sign on the front door that says “No solicitors” in big letters. Because you all know what a friendly gal I am, I added in smaller letters underneath, “friends welcome,” probably because I am still afraid deep down that perfect strangers will think I’m a b!tch. (I know: and this is a problem I should worry about? I need to butch up, especially since I came out as a lesbian earlier this summer.)
Well, apparently I should just let perfect strangers think I’m a total b!tch, because in spite of my sign, those goddamned solicitors keep ringing my doorbell and bothering me throughout the day. Twice in the past two days I’ve been bothered by 1) a young woman selling children’s books, and 2) a tiresome godbag and his l’il disciple. Even more amazing to me–aside from the apparent lack of reading skills and/or comprehension–is the fact that BOTH tried to ARGUE with me when I pointed to the sign and said, “No solicitors! Thank you!” #1 tried to tell me that the family across the street had sent her over (thanks, neighbor!), and #2 apparently thinks that just because he’s not looking immediately to take my money that my signage doesn’t apply to him. (I checked the OED on this one: although it’s commonly believed that “solicitor” means only “salesperson,” the OED’s first non-obs. definition of the word is “[o]ne who entreats, requests, or petitions; one who solicits or begs favours; a pleader, intercessor, advocate.” In other words, whatever you’re advocating or for whomever you’re acting as an intercessor, I don’t want to hear about it.)
I have a friend who has a sign on her front door that says something like this: “We like things just the way they are. We don’t care if you’re selling something, canvassing for a politician or a political party, or just spreading the Good News.* We are perfectly satisfied with our home, our politics, and our religious beliefs. We appreciate that you want to share, but we don’t want to hear about it.” I’m thinking that I might have to get that specific and clear. (And I guess I’ll add a smiley-face so that they don’t think I’m a complete b!tch !)
In the comments, please, tell me what kind of sign I need to hang on my front door to be left in peace.