Comments on: The mythology of “balance”

By: Historiann

Historiann — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:44:19 +0000

Bwaaaahahahaha!

I’m sure she’s very busy, but she has a lot of help. A LOT of help, which facilitates all of the unpaid work she does for the WH.

By: Dr. Crazy

Dr. Crazy — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:40:17 +0000

Coming to this party late, but I laughed last night and thought of this post when I saw a promo for Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Today show. The snippet from her interview that they quoted as a teaser? “Like most working parents, I strive for balance.” (Or roughly that.)

By: sm

sm — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 15:14:07 +0000

“(reminds me of when a friend’s pastor told her that stress was a sin)”

What did she do?

By: perpetua

perpetua — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 15:13:01 +0000

Why do some grown me think they’re entitled to being babied? Isn’t that the whole point of patriarchal disequilibrium? Men feel entitled to the “free” labor of women, to have dinner on the table and “their” children cared for and a home full of peace and harmony after the hardships of their long and important days at work. Preferably with a wife who fetches a drink and rubs their feet. And while few households function that way, the structure of our society is set up to model it as an ideal, spoken or unspoken. Even men who partially “get it” are caught up in these subconscious assumptions about work (ie they genuinely do not notice how much they expect their partners to do for them, or how deep their own entitlement runs). And of course the other side of patriarchal male entitlement is the story women in the patriarchy tell themselves to somehow make it ok: men are silly, foolish babies INCAPABLE of taking care of themselves! Where would they be without us! He can’t even make his own dinner! (Eye rolling and hand-wringing ensues.)

I try to keep myself from self-pity because generally my situation is privileged, even by academic standards (2-2), but I have to say I’m often shocked by the anger and jealousy I feel when male untenured colleagues have babies and I start to think about the total lack of impact this will have on their careers. (Well, not *always* total lack of impact – my partner just got a very hard time at one of his reviews for not participating fully in dept life, which he wasn’t doing because his wife was terribly ill and also he had a small child to take care of.)

By: wini

wini — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 15:04:56 +0000

As someone that really, really didn’t marry a jerk, but did marry an academic (hey! we met in undegrad! at least he’s in a better-paying, more-hiring, non-humanities field), there is also the guilt of “I’m such a screw up, I should do more around the house so at least one of us can get tenure.”

My therapist keeps on telling me I value balance, when I really, really don’t. Other than not doing fast food (yet) and not letting my toddler watch TV (yet), I’m a lazy, lazy parent that should read less blogs and write more chapters.

By: Aurora

Aurora — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:48:45 +0000

Balance is a myth — appearing balanced isn’t!

By: Historiann

Historiann — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:01:00 +0000

And p.s. to LadyProf: I’m sorry about the breakup, but congratulations on NOT marrying the jerk. If you had been married, the breakup would have been much more difficult and legally fraught. (The emotional and family stuff is hard enough without all of the rest, as you suggested.)

Why do some grown men think they’re entitled to being babied by women? It seems like the sign of an underdeveloped inner life.

By: Historiann

Historiann — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:39:26 +0000

Deborah–you’re not alone. A former colleague of mine, once she was tenured, said, “and now, I’m going to get my body back!” 4-4 with heavy research and service is too much–of course, something has to give. Some people turn to drink and/or drugs, so IMHO, food and/or skipping workouts is a pretty tame “sin.” (But I totally hear you on the guilt.)

On “Google Darfur”–good story. Back in the 1990s, I worked with a man who had a couple of teenagers at home. They were really good kids, but b!tched sometimes, as all teenagers do. His response to them was, “gee, those kids in Bosnia got nuthin’ on you two!”

By: Deborah Judge

Deborah Judge — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 12:47:09 +0000

In the 2.5 years since I started my (4/4 with heavy research and service expectation) tenure-track job I’ve gained about 30 pounds. It’s amazing how guilty I feel about that.

By: MsMcD

MsMcD — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 07:16:32 +0000

Despite the fact that a professor told me that I should have no opinions before I got tenure (I’m on the job market now and a soon-to-be PhD), I wanted to add my two cents here. I agree that balance is yet another thing to get stressed about (reminds me of when a friend’s pastor told her that stress was a sin). I doubt that any of us could really achieve that blissful state. I feel constantly overworked and under-appreciated, and right now underpaid (since I’m not working except to finish writing my dissertation). Yet, I also know that I can only do my best. I chose this profession. I could go into a better paid, less time consuming job, but I love this career. Sometimes I wish that my husband would do more household chores, but then I remind myself that he works long hours to pay the bills so I can pursue my dream. I could resent my male colleagues whose wife does all the household chores, but then again I’m sure he has his own trials and tribulations of which I know nothing. Certainly my grandmother was right: “Any fool can get married, it takes a smart girl to marry the right one.” To me the right one isn’t always perfect, but your life is at least better for them being in it. It isn’t always fair, but our lives are we can make of them. And I apologize for being corny.