Comments on: Lessons for Girls, updated

By: Kar

Kar — Fri, 22 May 2009 13:43:16 +0000

I am a mother of one, and I have been lucky to avoid lots of questions about when I’m “having another”. Although once in a while people will simply assume that I am planning on having another without knowing me at all! I’ve heard lines such as, “Wait until your second child…” Well, what if I don’t want another? I am an only child and sometimes I’ve been told that’s why I’m “weird”. As I was growing up I rarely wished for a brother or sister. I am quite happy with my situation. So why does my daughter require a sibling? Will it make her a better person? I just hate being told, or thinking, that I *ought* to have another child *just* for my current one.

By: Indyanna

Indyanna — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:17:02 +0000

Without intending to, presumably, the Supreme Court just weighed in (however obliquely) on some parts of the subject of this thread, by ruling that employers are entitled to pay perpetually smaller pensions to women who used pregnancy leaves before Congress got around, in 1979, to plugging that particular loophole in the pension system. Presumably staying home to have a big bouncing five pound hang-nail would incur none of this penalty. Justice Ginsberg’s reported jibe(s) in dissent at her con-freres were interesting. This one would seem to invite legislative remediation along the lines of the Ledbetter resolution.

By: Erica

Erica — Mon, 18 May 2009 15:52:27 +0000

OH… well yeah it does work either way.

By: squadratomagico

squadratomagico — Mon, 18 May 2009 15:49:38 +0000

I meant “as” — the S on my keyboard sticks.

By: Historiann

Historiann — Mon, 18 May 2009 15:39:55 +0000

Squadrato–did you mean “ass” or “as?” It kind of works either way…

onebadbint–thanks for your further clarification.

By: Erica

Erica — Mon, 18 May 2009 15:23:44 +0000

“don’t interrogate her ass to why not” — Our shared mother-in-law will be covering THAT quite thoroughly, I’m sure. Poor thing Maybe I can conspire with her to come up with a list of diversionary tactics if Nana starts up…

Thanks for the answer!

By: squadratomagico

squadratomagico — Mon, 18 May 2009 15:00:55 +0000

@ onebadbint: Just a point of clarification here. I wrote the original post specifically for Historiann’s series, “Lessons for Girls” — not “Lessons for PhD’s” or “Lessons for Academic Women.” The specific exercise was to envision alternative ways of being for girls, to reflect on our life experiences as a way of empowering those who are not yet mature. Obviously, most people who read it will be adult women, and likely academics as well, but the whole series is a set of thought experiments intended to provoke discussion about the specific ways girls are groomed into femininity in our culture.

By: squadratomagico

squadratomagico — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:53:28 +0000

@ Erica: definitely avoid “when.” Chances are that she does want kids (since most people do), and your wording won’t make a difference. But in case she is in that minority of us who don’t want them, asking if she is considering children is far better than simply assuming she wants them, and it’s only a question of timing.

And if she says she’s not planning on kids, move on — don;t interrogate her ass to why not.

By: onebadbint

onebadbint — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:49:47 +0000

H, as a long-time reader I do know, from the previous posts that you link to, that you’re on the side of the angels and well aware of the difficulties of mothers and all women in the academy. I figured that all of your readers, and Squadrato’s too, were probably already aware of this. Therefore not in need of an admonition that we don’t need to have children, because believe me, we know (as Janice says upthread, eyes are wide open about this, and about ensuing lifestyle changes and potential penalties).

That’s all I meant to say. I feel fine about the lesson if I take it as a sort of curriculum plan for implementing with female students, friends and relatives. Because like I said in my first post, I do agree that the message needs to be heard outside this blog circle, in society at large.

By: Erica

Erica — Mon, 18 May 2009 14:41:06 +0000

Can I ask something — if the topic of kids should happen to come up (like when I’m stuck with my brother-in-law’s fiancee with whom I have very little in common and so very little to talk about), is it better to say “are you thinking of having any kids” rather than “when are you going to have kids”, or to simply avoid the topic altogether? While I like to think I would have appreciated the distinction, I am not sure if that appreciation might have been overwhelmed by disgust at having the same question asked YET AGAIN.