It’s not enough that we subject them to a barrage of tests designed more to prop up local real estate values and funnel taxpayer dollars to wealthy corporations than to assess learning or teaching. It’s not enough that they are practically bound in cotton-wool from birth, with their bike helmets, ski helmets, kneepads, elbow-pads, and car seats. Now, we’re coming for the sweet, sweet acetones of their permanent markers. Last week, an eight-year old kid in Colorado was suspended from school for sniffing sharpies, on the suspicion that he was getting high. (Was I the only kid to liked the smell of permanent markers? How many of them would you have to huff dry before you’d get high, anyway?) What’s next: outlawing twirling around on the playground, because that makes kids dizzy?
I’ve long wondered, what will become of the rising generation who never knew the comforting whiff of a fresh mimeograph as it hit their desks? As they’re watching Turner Classic Movies, what will they make of that scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, when all of the kids pick up their handouts, sniff them, and sigh with pleasure? It’s just not the same with photocopies.
Now, Suburban Guerilla points us to a Philadelphia Magazine article on Stepford Housewives 2.0 who schedule their eight-year olds for bikini waxes, highlights, and “blowouts.” (Please tell us this is an April Fool’s Day joke! Ha-ha?) That’s right: waxes for children who don’t yet have pubic hair. From the article: “‘I’ve actually been joking that I’m going to write a book called Where Has All the Pubic Hair Gone?’ Janice Hillman, a doctor in the Penn Health System at Radnor who specializes in adolescent medicine, tells me. ‘It’s such a rarity to find it these days in 10- and 12-year-old girls, and older girls. I need to check for it at that age — it’s an indicator of puberty and development, how much there is, where it’s growing. And now, I need to ask girls, if it’s not there, ‘Do you wax? Do you shave?’ Because so many of them do.’”
I suppose their mothers must experience limitless amounts of boredom and self-loathing. Ladies, this looks like reason number 612 why you shouldn’t quit your job after having children: less free time with which to turn your tween daughter into a waxed, implanted, tanorexic Pr0n star lookalike. Talk about alienating girls from their own bodies. Medieval Catholicism has nothing on these women.